I have two names by which I am identified. On my birth certificate is the name Hilary Claire Holdaway. Hilary is what others call me when they want to get my attention and it is the name I write as my signature. There is one other identity that I posses. An identity which holds much more meaning and value than the name my parents gave me. This name is the name CHRISTIAN. Carrying this name comes with great responsibility. It means when my feet hit the floor in the morning I am representing my Lord, Jesus Christ. This in mind, every action I do and every word I say holds extreme importance. This truth that holds much purpose and value to my life today I did not believe even just a month ago. Over the past six months the Lord has been doing some major renovation on my heart and the things He has revealed to me are the most important things I will ever believe. The reminder of them blows my mind. Six months ago you would have found me in an out of control state, just living but not abundantly as God intended for His daughter to live. I was not sure at all who I was or what to place my identity in and so I tried to chase after many different sources to discover that identity. I use the word chase because I was literally exhausting myself in my search. This search for identity led me down a very destructive path which I will explain in detail later but before I do I will tell you some of my background. I was born on October 31, 1992 into a nurturing and loving Christian home to two incredible parents. I went to church every weekend growing up and the truth of scripture was instilled in me from day one. I remember even in the nursery at church the leaders would pass the Bible around the table as each toddler pat the Bible to portray just how precious of a gift from God it is. I grew up singing, “Jesus loves me this I know for the Bible tells me so.....” in Sunday school. My parents would both tell you that I have always loved Jesus. When I was four years old I went forward at the invitation after the service and told my sr. pastor, Bob Russel that I was ready to ask Jesus into my heart. It was five years later though when I truly gave my life to Christ and was baptized. I know at that time I did not fully understand what it meant to make Jesus Lord of my life let alone have a personal relationship with Him. I went to a private christian school through my middle school and high school years -an environment I am very thankful for today. Every class I had began with prayer and each lesson was centered around Jesus. Even a math lesson in trig would turn into a deep theological discussion. The danger of this was that I had a whole lot of head knowledge but when it came to truly believing it in my heart and allowing that truth to transform my life; there was no evidence of that in me. To me God was this magnificent being somewhere out of my reach but I had no idea I could be connected with God in an intimate way. I remember thinking, is this all that being a Christian is? To me the Christian life was just a big daily to-do list. Read my Bible, check, Pray before supper, check, lead Bible studies, check, obey my parents.....well sometimes I could put a check by that one. My point is that I believed by checking all the boxes God was pleased. I had done my share, fulfilled my quota for the day and I could sleep at night, knowing God was happy with me. The problem occurred when I messed up which let me just say happened very often. When I spoke harshly, cheated on a test, told a lie, disobeyed my parents I would look down on myself,believing I had disappointed not only my parents, teachers and friends but I had disappointed God and He was not looking down on me with a loving smile anymore. I viewed God’s love for me just like I based every one else’s, on my actions. This belief is what drove my people-pleasing mentality. When Sr. year came around I began getting anxious about choosing the right college, choosing the right degree and pursuing a successful career. One thing I did know for sure I wanted to be used by God, I wanted to make an impact for His kingdom and make a difference in this world. After all my parents had told me numerous times growing up that I was going to do great things for Jesus! but what if I didn’t? I would be a failure. As I visited colleges and researched degrees I would find ones I liked but my lack of courage and trust in God made me question every decision to the point that I never made any. Everyone else around me knew where they were going, everyone else knew exactly what they wanted to do. What was wrong with me? Then I had an aha moment. I had one of those thoughts where you feel certain a light bulb just went off above your head. A mission trip! I’ll go on a long term mission trip. I had heard of people taking some time off between high school and college to figure out there next step and I figured what better way to spend that time than impacting others by sharing the gospel. rather than seeking God for wisdom about this decision I jumped right in to raising money. I got a job working at Starbucks over the summer which was where I devoted all of my time. Everything else got put aside during this time. My relationships with my family, friends and most of all God. The mission trip became my #1 priority and it didn’t take long before it completely defined me. I was the girl who was going on a 6-month mission trip with YWAM to Australia. Having that identity made me feel important and gave me purpose. At the end of the summer I had raised more than half the funds and I was feeling very confident in myself. I had become completely numb to God’s gentle nudges and red flags to get my attention and then it happened. I got in a car accident leaving me with damage costs that greatly exceeded the money I had saved over the summer. How could this happen and why would God punish me for wanting to do such a good thing? I became very resentful towards God as the plans I thought I had control of fell apart. My greatest fear.... I had failed. I had let everybody down. I turned to self loathing and turned to food as my last resort of control. I began starving myself for punishment. My fear of failure had turned into an obsession and so restricting my food consumption became my desperate attempt to maintain control over that fear. In October I went with my mom to the doctor because I had a skin rash on my back that I came to find out was shingles. A disease that is caused by severe stress on the body and a weak immune system. The doctor was very surprised that a girl so young was suffering from a disease that most people get when they are elderly. He also couldn’t ignore that my weight and height ratio was not at all normal. He began to question me about my eating habits and the truth came out. He diagnosed me with anorexia and told me that if I didn’t get serious about overcoming my issue and seeking help I would kill myself. What!? I couldn’t believe I had taken this so far? I began seeking help from my family, friends and accountability partner. It was with their loving support that I was slowly able to make my way out of the dark pit of deception that I had fallen into. It was ultimately by isolating myself from all distractions and seeking my God that healed me. He showed me that not only had I starved myself physically but I had also starved myself spiritually. One day God revealed to me a very important truth in His word. A scripture I had heard so many times but never fully understood. It was like Hebrews 11:6 jumped off the page at me. “And without faith it is impossible to please Him, for he who comes to God must believe that He is, and that He is a rewarder of those who seek Him.” That is why I was exhausted from all my striving because my entire life I was striving after something that was completely unattainable. I had no faith that God is who He says He is and that I am who He says I am therefore I could not please Him. It was at this revelation that I got on my knees and cried out to God for forgiveness for looking for identity in anything else but in Him as His beloved daughter. He loves me unconditionally and is pleased with me because my sins have been completely washed clean in the powerful blood of Jesus. When I truly accepted His acceptance of me I began desiring to honor Him, not to earn His approval but out of obedience and love for Him as my Lord. By accepting His grace and admitting my utter dependance on Him I found healing. It was as if I was living out the parable of the prodigal son. That was me! My God allowed me to go through darkness and trial so that after I had exhausted my search for satisfaction and identity in everything else I would come back to Him. In His mercy and unconditional acceptance and love my Father saw me in all of my sin and ran to meet me and welcome me back. He let me go for a little while but was anxiously awaiting my return with open arms. Looking back I see that my desperate attempts to control my life only led to destruction and a life that was completely spinning out of control. When I released total control to God of every area of my life I found peace, purpose and hope. I know that I only have glimpse of the truth He will reveal to me but I have realized that nothing else in life compares to the greatness of knowing my God. I want to devote my life to full-time ministry and it is that decision that has brought me to Boyce. I know that at this school I will be equipped and filled up with truth so that I can go out and pour out to others through ministry and service. I want others to see what God has done in my life so that they know He can and will do the same in theirs if they allow Him and and begin to take Him at His word.
