D.R. Mission trip 2011

Driving to the airport yesterday from Santiago gave me a lot of time to reflect on the life I was going back to. As I thought about my reality and perspective before spending a week with the loving, generous and welcoming Dominicans I began to fear returning and falling back into the same self-focused, self-dependant way of life. Just as I had brought clothes, shoes and Bibles from home to leave in the D.R. I wanted to bring home more than 6 boxes of skim ice and tons of pictures documenting the memories we made. I wanted to bring back some of the Dominican values and priorities. I learned so much from the people I was there to serve and minister to. These things I did not want to forget to the point that no change occurs and I fall right back into the same patterns of our society. God revealed to me though that rather than fearing I needed to resolve to be transformed by my renewed mind. To make such drastic changes in a world that is full of distractions, pressures and lies is too difficult to achieve on my own but that is where dying to my flesh and being led by the Spirit becomes most important. Devoting an entire week to growing in the Lord and making Him known was so fulfilling. After all it was a taste of the abundant life God created us for. John 10:10 says that the enemy comes to seek, kill and destroy and He uses the distractions, pressures and fears of the world to deceive us and take our focus off of God. God has come though that we may have life and have it abundantly. Having time away from the things the enemy uses to distract me at home (agendas, fears, anxieties, selfishness.....etc) and to be outwardly focused when my inclination tends to be self-focused gave me an opportunity to get a taste of a much sweeter life. A life that I want to become my new reality. In the Dominican Republic people are truly dependent on the Lord for their daily needs. Their concerns are all about surviving and so they go to the source of life to give them the resources they need: food, water, a home, a job, money...etc They place their hope in the Lord rather than the things we place our hope and security in daily ( people, money, ourselves, our goals and successes) We go to these sources that fail us and never satisfy while they go to Jesus who will never fail us but will fully satisfy the deepest longings of our hearts. Focusing on God aligns our heats with His as we discover what really matters~ the purpose that He has created us for. We go to well for water that will eventually dry out but God desires for us to believe and live like we believe that He is the source of living water~ a fountain that keeps on flowing. "This water that Jesus offers us will become a fountain of water springing up into everlasting life (John 4:14) He will do immeasurably more than al we could ask or imagine in and through us when drink of His living water. When we drink of this water Jesus promises that we will never go thirsty again. We will be like a well-watered tree that thrives and branches out to reach others, bearing good fruit. That is the kind of person that I want to be1 Filled with the Spirit so that I can reach out to meet the needs of those around me in my family, friends, community and throughout the world. That is what we were created for was to make an impact for the kingdom of God. My relationship with the Lord can not stop at filling me up but it must outflow into the lives of others. We are but cracked jars of clay until God,our potter fixes our cracks and restores us for His purpose. Each of us are unique yet filled by te same God to overflow with His love, grace and power! Some of my favorite memories from the trip were feeding the kids at the hole, getting to share my testimony with the girls at basketball camp, visiting the Monton's home, worshipping the same God in two languages, and just serving and having community with my brothers and sisters in Christ! The last thing I can have all the time at home if I keep my eyes on Jesus~ pursuing Him alone and aligning my heart with His. I want the abundant life my god created me for. he promises that when we seek Him passionately we will discover it! I want to challenge you to do the same and I am sure that when you take hold of that life God intended us to live you will not want to turn back. I am so thankful for the opportunity I had to go on this trip for the lessons God taught me. 

~Love, Hil

Giving Jesus full Lordship

Jesus, making you Lord of everything is not easy for me. God, I release the things that come easy for me but I have been so stubborn with the areas of my life that I want control of ~ people-pleasing, perfectionism and deception. My soul longs to be near to you, God but my flesh is interfering with me going deeper with you. I want to be passionate for You Jesus but that takes full surrender. You are showing me that You will not relent until I surrender my all. My flesh wants control but again and again I have found that leaning on my own understanding only leads to destruction. I am so easily deceived but in You alone is complete truth and where truth is there is freedom. I am trading my fear and anxiety about my circumstances for a reverent fear of You. God, just as you give You also take away. I am completely dependent on You for life. Apart from You I can do nothing good but You compel me to walk in righteousness. I have realized that I accepted You as Savior, wanting all the benefits of a relationship with You, God but I never accepted You as Lord of my life by surrendering everything. I was comfortable where I was because my faith was not tested. Growing up in a Christian home, going to a private Christian school, spending time with Christian friends.....etc. I didn't need to surrender my life to You because I was not in a place where I recognized my dependence on You. Lord, when I graduated and tasted the world I started pursuing what I thought would satisfy the longings of my heart for love and acceptance. I developed a lifestyle of destructive habits which over time led me down a path toward anorexia. It was in this place of darkness and uncertainty that I realized my sin. I had not only deceived others but I had deceived myself. You shed light on my fragile state. I was a slave to sin, obeying my flesh. Taking the steps toward healing has been a tough process because I had such a stubborn, hardened heart towards Your truth. I felt like I was living in shackles and bondage to sin. Rather than turning my struggles with eating, people-pleasing, insecurity and perfection over to You I relied on self for healing. I slowly began to relinquish little by little areas of my life that I had kept from You as You softened my heart to Your Spirit. Praise the Lord that I have now seen that complete healing comes from total surrender. Realizing that I cannot but You can, I don't know or understand but I can trust that You do. I am so thankful my healing was not instant because it was over time that I developed habits of denying flesh and choosing truth, that my heart became softened and sensitive to Your Holy Spirit inside me. I can now say with full confidence that I am saved and am in the process of being sanctified "I have been crucified with Christ and it is no longer I who live, but Christ lives in me. The life I live in the flesh, I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me." Galatians 2:20 I have not yet obtained perfection for that is impossible here on earth but I am pressing on toward the goal of eternity with my Lord.That is the joy set before me! I am choosing not to dwell on my past but rather to embrace who I am today hopeful of further growth in the future. I have now seen that I can overcome the trials and struggles that I will face in this present life by the power of the blood of Jesus and the word of my testimony. My history is HIS STORY for me to share for His glory. In my life Lord, be lifted high! 

Now that I have seen I am responsible~ Faith without deeds is dead

My favorite Bible verse

The Fellowship of the Unashamed

I am a part of the fellowship of the Unashamed. I have the Holy Spirit
Power. The die has been cast. I have stepped over the line. The decision has
been made. I am a disciple of Jesus Christ. I won't look back, let up, slow
down, back away, or be still. My past is redeemed, my present makes sense,
and my future is secure. I am finished and done with low living, sight
walking, small planning, smooth knees, colorless dreams, tame visions,
mundane talking, chintzy giving, and dwarfed goals.

I no longer need preeminence, prosperity, position, promotions, plaudits, or
popularity. I don't have to be right, first, tops, recognized, praised,
regarded, or rewarded. I now live by presence, learn by faith, love by
patience, lift by prayer, and labor by power.

My pace is set, my gait is fast, my goal is Heaven, my road is narrow, my
way is rough, my companions few, my Guide is reliable, my mission is clear.
I cannot be bought, compromised, deterred, lured away, turned back, diluted,
or delayed. I will not flinch in the face of sacrifice, hesitate in the
presence of adversity, negotiate at the table of the enemy, ponder at the
pool of popularity, or meander in the maze of
mediocrity.

I won't give up, back up, let up, or shut up until I've preached up, prayed
up, paid up, stored up, and stayed up for the cause of Christ. I am a
disciple of Jesus Christ. I must go until He returns, give until I drop,
preach until all know, and work until He comes.

And when He comes to get His own, He will have no problem recognizing me. My
colors will be clear for "I am not ashamed of the Gospel, because it is the
power of God for the salvation of everyone who believes.." (Romans 1:16)

By Dr. Bob Moorehead

I'm Forgiven and loved

My mind has not been at peace or in order for a very long time. In fact it has been so long that I have forgotten what it was like to live at peace. Bogged down by the weight of my guilt and consumed with a list of work that needs to be done in my life in order to measure up and to rectify my past. I'm working a full-time job like I can earn my own salvation but God, You take me as I am. I have bought the lie that I still have work to do to clean myself up & come into Your presence, but you accept me for who I am and say that there is no condemnation for me. On the basis of Your grace, God I have received my salvation that is secure. I certainly did nothing to receive it and can not do anything to diminish it. Jesus, You died to rectify my past decisions and sins and Your blood commands my guilt to flee. You call me Your child and say that I am forgiven and set free from the grips of my past. My sin no longer defines me because I have resolved to walk in a new way of life. I am shaking the shackles off my feet so I can dance for Jesus and praise my God. I now give my life to follow in obedience everything I believe in, completely surrendered~ that is LIFE IN ABUNDANCE!!!! Often I am tempted to be hard on myself and question how I could fall into a sin like anorexia but the truth is the Lord was not surprised. In fact He knew every lie I would believe before I even heard it. He knows our very weaknesses and every fault. He knows our deepest sins that we have committed in what we thought was secret. Yet in spite of all of these things He stands with open loving arms to forgive & embrace us. God calls satan the accuser and I can say from experience that name is suiting. He knows that if he keeps us consumed with ourselves that will inhibit us from being useful for God. That scheme will no longer work with me though. I have figured him out! The devil is working over time to remind me of who I've been but I do not need to carry that weight and burden any longer. My history is His story. He says I can make beautiful things out of dust. It is in these precious promises from my Savior that I can find peace & rest for He says, "As far as the east is from the west , so far has He removed our transgressions from us." Psalm 103:12  Even when I feel like my mistakes and sins are too big for God to forgive He is MIGHTY TO SAVE! "If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness." 1 John 1:9 The slate is washed clean and the offense is gone forever. He has already overcome every past, present and future sin I will commit towards Him because He rose and conquered the grave. As Charles Spurgeon put it, "You sin as a finite creature but the Lord forgives as the infinite creator." The reminder of my past is only an opportunity to show how God was mighty in my life and healed me from my sinful past. My future holds so much hope because of the joy set before me~ my salvation and eternity in the presence of my God. The son has set me free and I am free indeed! I am born again into the family of God adopted as His "set apart" daughter seeking only to be Holy and blameless in His sight alone. Not caught up in worldly standards or goals but rather striving to know God and make Him known. In my life be lifted high, Lord Jesus! 

Great Smokey MTS. Family vacation~It's a great day to be alive I feel the sun is shining when I close my eyes~

My dream wedding

location: Outdoors at the nature preserve
ideas: bonfire with worship songs
          cookout
          ultimate frisbee football and baseball games
          jam party favors
          dance party
          pies and cobbler for dessert
          chucks
          wildflowers
          sparklers and fireworks
          photos on trees
Daddy/daughter dance ~ Butterfly Kisses (Bob Carlisle)
1st dance~ Everything (Michael Buble)

My Favorite Names

William Archer
Ava faith
Lila Melody
Acadia noel
Lillian Naomi
Stephen West
Benjamin Forest
Audrey Aurora
Whitney Sienna
Landon Eli
Jonah Elliot
David oliver
Nathaniel Kaden
Edyn Bella
Gavin anthony
Hudson Blaze
Autumn Renee
Adalyn summer
Norah Jayden
Jenna purity
Kiara
shiloh
avery
Jonah
Olivia
West
Claire
Ireland

My testemony

I have two names by which I am identified. On my birth certificate is the name Hilary Claire Holdaway. Hilary is what others call me when they want to get my attention and it is the name I write as my signature. There is one other identity that I posses. An identity which  holds much more meaning and value than the name my parents gave me. This name is the name CHRISTIAN. Carrying this name comes with great responsibility. It means when my feet hit the floor in the morning I am representing my Lord, Jesus Christ. This in mind, every action I do and every word I say holds extreme importance. This truth that holds much purpose and value to my life today I did not believe even just a month ago. Over the past six months the Lord has been doing some major renovation on my heart and the things He has revealed to me are the most important things I will ever believe. The reminder of them blows my mind. Six months ago you would have found me in an out of control state, just living but not abundantly as God intended for His daughter to live. I was not sure at all who I was or what to place my identity in and so I tried to chase after many different sources to discover that identity. I use the word chase because I was literally exhausting myself in my search. This search for identity led me down a very destructive path which I will explain in detail later but before I do I will tell you some of my background. I was born on October 31, 1992 into a nurturing and loving Christian home to two incredible parents. I went to church every weekend growing up and the truth of scripture was instilled in me from day one.  I remember even in the nursery at church the leaders would pass the Bible around the table as each toddler pat the Bible to portray just how precious of a gift from God it is. I grew up singing, “Jesus loves me this I know for the Bible tells me so.....” in Sunday school. My parents would both tell you that I have always loved Jesus.  When I was four years old I went forward at the invitation after the service and told my sr. pastor, Bob Russel that I was ready to ask Jesus into my heart. It was five years later though when I truly gave my life to Christ and was baptized. I know at that time I did not fully understand what it meant to make Jesus Lord of my life let alone have a personal relationship with Him. I went to a private christian school through my middle school and high school years -an environment I am very thankful for today. Every class I had began with prayer and each lesson was centered around Jesus. Even a math lesson in trig would turn into a deep theological discussion. The danger of this was that I had a whole lot of head knowledge but when it came to truly believing it in my heart and allowing that truth to transform my life; there was no evidence of that in me. To me God was this magnificent being somewhere out of my reach but I had no idea I could be connected with God in an intimate way. I remember thinking, is this all that being a Christian is? To me the Christian life was just a big daily to-do list. Read my Bible, check, Pray before supper, check, lead Bible studies, check, obey my parents.....well sometimes I could put a check by that one. My point is that I believed by checking all the boxes God was pleased. I had done my share, fulfilled my quota for the day and I could sleep at night, knowing God was happy with me. The problem occurred when I messed up which let me just say happened very often. When I spoke  harshly, cheated on a test, told a lie, disobeyed my parents I would look down on myself,believing I had disappointed not only my parents, teachers and friends but I had disappointed God and He was not looking down on me with a loving smile anymore. I viewed God’s love for me just like I based every one else’s, on my actions. This belief is what drove my people-pleasing mentality. When Sr. year came around I began getting anxious about choosing the right college, choosing the right degree and pursuing a successful career. One thing I did know for sure I wanted to be used by God, I wanted to make an impact for His kingdom and make a difference in this world. After all my parents had told me numerous times growing up that I was going to do great things for Jesus! but what if I didn’t? I would be a failure. As I visited colleges and researched degrees I would find ones I liked but my lack of courage and trust in God made me question every decision to the point that I never made any. Everyone else around me knew where they were going, everyone else knew exactly what they wanted to do. What was wrong with me? Then I had an aha moment. I had one of those thoughts where you feel certain a light bulb just went off above your head. A mission trip! I’ll go on a long term mission trip. I had heard of people taking some time off between high school and college to figure out there next step and I figured what better way to spend that time than impacting others by sharing the gospel. rather than seeking God for wisdom about this decision I jumped right in to raising money. I got a job working at Starbucks over the summer which was where I devoted all of my time. Everything else got put aside during this time. My relationships with my family, friends and most of all God. The mission trip became my #1 priority and it didn’t take long before it completely defined me. I was the girl who was going on a 6-month mission trip with YWAM to Australia. Having that identity made me feel important and gave me purpose. At the end of the summer I had raised more than half the funds and I was feeling very confident in myself. I had become completely numb to God’s gentle nudges and red flags to get my attention and then it happened. I got in a car accident leaving me with damage costs that greatly exceeded the money I had saved over the summer. How could this happen and why would God punish me for wanting to do such a good thing? I became very resentful towards God as the plans I thought I had control of fell apart. My greatest fear.... I had failed. I had let everybody down. I turned to self loathing and turned to food as my last resort of control. I began starving myself for punishment. My fear of failure had turned into an obsession and so restricting my food consumption became my desperate attempt to maintain control over that fear. In October I went with my mom to the doctor because I had a skin rash on my back that I came to find out was shingles. A disease that is caused by severe stress on the body and a weak immune system. The doctor was very surprised that a girl so young was suffering from a disease that most people get when they are elderly. He also couldn’t ignore that my weight and height ratio was not at all normal. He began to question me about my eating habits and the truth came out. He diagnosed me with anorexia and told me that if I didn’t get serious about overcoming my issue and seeking help I would kill myself. What!? I couldn’t believe I had taken this so far? I began seeking help from my family, friends and accountability partner. It was with their loving support that I was slowly able to make my way out of the dark pit of deception that I had fallen into. It was ultimately by isolating myself from all distractions and seeking my God that healed me. He showed me that not only had I starved myself physically but I had also starved myself spiritually. One day God revealed to me a very important truth in His word. A scripture I had heard so many times but never fully understood. It was like Hebrews 11:6 jumped off the page at me. “And without faith it is impossible to please Him, for he who comes to God must believe that He is, and that He is a rewarder of those who seek Him.” That is why I was exhausted from all my striving because my entire life I was striving after something that was completely unattainable. I had no faith that God is who He says He is and that I am who He says I am therefore I could not please Him. It was at this revelation that I got on my knees and cried out to God for forgiveness for looking for identity in anything else but in Him as His beloved daughter. He loves me unconditionally and is pleased with me because my sins have been completely washed clean in the powerful blood of Jesus. When I truly accepted His acceptance of me I began desiring to honor Him, not to earn His approval but out of obedience and love for Him as my Lord. By accepting His grace and admitting my utter dependance on Him I found healing. It was as if I was living out the parable of the prodigal son. That was me! My God allowed me to go through darkness and trial so that after I had exhausted my search for satisfaction and identity in everything else I would come back to Him. In His mercy and unconditional acceptance and love my Father saw me in all of my sin and ran to meet me and welcome me back. He let me go for a little while but was anxiously awaiting my return with open arms. Looking back I see that my desperate attempts to control my life only led to destruction and a life that was completely spinning out of control. When I released total control to God of every area of my life I found peace, purpose and hope. I know that I only have glimpse of the truth He will reveal to me but I have realized that nothing else in life compares to the greatness of knowing my God. I want to devote my life to full-time ministry and it is that decision that has brought me to Boyce. I know that at this school I will be equipped and filled up with truth so that I can go out and pour out to others through ministry and service. I want others to see what God has done in my life so that they know He can and will do the same in theirs if they allow Him and and begin to take Him at His word.

Hil's rules to live by

1) Take time for yourself: give yourself breaks throughout the day to re-fuel and process things that are on your mind. You’ll find your focus markedly higher when you return to work.
2) It is more blessed to give than to receive: Blessing others by offering a helping hand or giving a surprise gift feels so good. Generosity is a great characteristic to have!
3) let your "yes" be "yes" and your "no" be no: being an un-reliable person is a horrible label to have. When you say you are going to do something follow up. It's better to give a "maybe" or a "no" than to let someone down. That way they will be pleasantly surprised when you can!
4) Be a person of action: thinking and dreaming about things are useless if you don't take a leap of faith and actually take steps toward doing them. It takes tremendous courage but it is so fulfilling. If you are always worrying about making the wrong decision you'll never allow yourself to make a great one.
5) Your family are people you will have in your life forever ~ invest in them! Your family are your biggest encouragers, best listeners, and love you no matter what. Spending quality time with them and being "real" and vulnerable to them is so fulfilling!
6) start your day off right~ with a cup of Joe and a quiet/prayer time with God
7) Prayer is powerful! God always hears us when we pray to Him and He always responds. If we look for it we will hear His answer. We have to be careful not to expect or look for the response we want but have faith that God's response is ALWAYS best, even though it may not seem so at the time.
8) you can't please everyone so stop trying: You’re never going to be able to control what others think, so don’t focus on being "liked" by others . Instead, work on the things you have control over – yourself, your emotions, your thoughts and your actions. Be yourself and you will find the people that are true friends will love you for who you are will love you~ weaknesses and all. Remember that our heavenly Father always accepts us and loves us unconditionally. We cannot earn His love because His grace is given freely to us.
9) Embrace the present: Be content with your circumstances knowing that where God has you is His best for you.

Ekklesia~ my cafe

"So we, though many, are one body in Christ, and individually members one of another." Romans 12:5

*open breakfast and lunch

Menu

Drinks: 

drip coffee~ regular bold and decaf

iced coffee

cappuccino

Americano

espresso

lattes- coffee & tea

flavor shots~ vanilla, caramel, hazelnut, coconut almond, chocolate, agave

hot chocolate

organic chocolate, vanilla & strawberry milk

fresh squeezed juce~ orange, orange-carrot, apple, apple-carrot, pomegranate

lemonade 

smoothies

sweet & un-sweet tea

hot tea

green tea

Super shots~ wheat grass & matcha green tea

breakfast

greek omelet

salmon & spinach scramble 

breakfast burrito

english muffin panini sandwiches~ bacon, egg, spinach & cheese

                                                               sausage, egg, & cheese

pastries~ cinnamon streusel coffee cake

                  banana walnut bread

                  strawberry bread

                  cinnamon roll

                  blueberry muffin

yogurt, fruit & granola parfait

oatmeal

pancakes

french toast

waffles

sides~ fruit cup

             turkey bacon or sausage

             eggs

Lunch

sandwiches~

B.L.T.A. bacon lettuce tomato and avacado

turkey bacon club

chicken pesto mozzarella panini

grilled cheese

veggie panini

mediterranean tuna salad wrap

asian chicken wrap

Cheese Quesadilla

tuna melt

soups~ 

tomato-basil

black bean

white chile

chicken and rice

salads

spicy chicken southwest salad

chicken caesar

greek salmon or shrimp kabob salad

My family

me and noah

daddy's girl

sistas
"our roots may say we are sisters but our hearts say we are friends"

me and caroline

me and Lydie

me & Momma

Live Life Abundantly

Everyone desires to have an abundant life. Abundance is defined as an extremely plentiful or over-sufficient quantity or supply. We all have the goal of living life to the "fullest" but it is how we come about reaching that goal that differs from each individual. One who believes fullness of life is found in status will devote themselves to climbing the ladder of success. Their happiness is most likely defined by getting a certain job promotion. Another person might believe that fullness of life is found in riches and monetary gain. They believe that they can buy happiness whether it be a big house, fancy car or designer clothes. Others may look to people in order to live abundantly, believing happiness is the result of having a close family or many friends....simply being liked by others. The source of abundant living does differ from person to person but the common factor in each scenario is the excessive amount of work we put into achieving our goal of happiness. We devote our all to pursuing happiness discovering that we are never truly satisfied. If one thing does not work we turn to another. If we look in Ecclesiastes chapter 2, we see Solomon living the same way. "Yet when I surveyed all that my hands had done and what I had toiled to achieve, everything was meaningless, a chasing after the wind; nothing was gained under the sun." Solomon clearly tells us in this passage that trying to do things our way and trying to fill God's place in our lives with something of our own choosing is like striving after the wind, and is foolish. Look up the word "striving" in a thesarus and you will get synonyms like, to make great efforts, to try very hard or even to struggle. When put in the context of ecclesiastes we see a whole lot of work put forth but no outcome of achievement. In John 10:10 we finally grasp hold of the source of abundance- that is Jesus, our Saviour. In Him we experience all that we could ever need. Jesus has come to heal our emptiness, he has come to fill a void, that nothing in this world can satisfy.How does Jesus fill the emptiness, He fills it with real joy, love and peace, He fills us with the Holy Spirit. A superior, superabundant spiritual life, is a life empowered by the indwelling of Jesus Christ. Because Christians "have" Jesus Christ, because he lives within them, they have the source of the superabundant life- the source of true joy which leads to complete satisfaction. Abundance isn’t an abundance of things, but rather an abundance of Him. It isn’t that God has changed the circumstances of the world we live in, but He has changed us from the inside out.

Abundance isn’t looking around, but looking up with fixed eyes on Jesus.

If you are living abundantly you can praise God through the storms of life, you can dance for joy even in difficult circumstances, and you can walk through fires and come out refined. A pastor once put it this way ~ Abundance isn’t absence from life, but rather victory through life.